A
Somewhat
Disappointingly Not Horrific Self-Haircut
April
11, 2020
Day 30 of the COVID-19 shelter-in-place.
On
3/28, I tried to order hair clippers on Amazon before they went out
of stock, only to have Amazon promise me delivery on 4/25. For an
in-stock item. Now a formerly in-stock item. While their COVID-19
banner daily taunts me that "We are giving priority to items
that our customers need the most." I will never pay $100/year
for shipping that's already free albeit slower, because I am cheap
and I am patient. And Amazon's strategy of exaggeratingly treating
non-Prime customers as second-class citizens in order to twist their
arms into joining? Opposite effect, Mr. Bezos, because another thing
I am is stubborn. Absurdly stubborn.
So last week, I bit the bullet and hacked away at the sides and top, and I surprisingly didn't butcher it. It was okay. It was also oddly disappointing. But I daren't touch the back because I couldn't see it, and was certain I was steadily growing a mullet. Last night, I could take it no more, nor wait any longer for a package that hasn't even been packaged yet according to an Amazon order status that's never budged seven pixels beyond Ordered, and using what I learned from my first go, took scissors and fingers and hacked away at the back. 10% by sight, but 90% just blindly. And again, it turned out surprisingly okay. And also a little disappointingly so. I was immensely relieved, but also slightly disappointed that I didn't have a comical horror to share with people. But if you are okay with the equivalent of a #4 clip, your fingers can make for a pretty fair depth guide.
- - - - -
Q: How do you actually go about cutting your own hair?
A:
With your hand flat on your head, pull some hair up between two
fingers and cut it off level with your finger tops. As long as you do
that, you can't cut anything shorter than the ~0.5" finger
thickness. And then it's just a matter of patiently going over your
entire head to avoid missing clumps. (Now to blend that into the
longer hair on top, you have to figure out where to start pulling
your guide hand a little away from your head to get progressively
longer cuts...)
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